Monday, September 15, 2008

Running on empty both in the emotional and gas tank

A couple of weeks ago I ran out of gas... I have not done that since I was 16 years old. I was so busy that day that I kept pushing it to the next stop, well my van decided that it had enough right in front of the high school. What timing...I had kids to pick up from a different school!!!! I called Corey and Peanut, Peanut made it there first with a gas can from my garage. She had put gas in it and brought it right over, when we opened it up, there was not a nozzle to pour the gas into the tank. The smart women that we are we emptyed out a water bottle and pop bottle, the gas was poured into the bottles and then into the van...WHAT A MESS!!!! What an experience and a little bit of a giggle fit...why get mad, it was my own fault!!

My emotional tank is also running empty and I am just about ready to run dry. Some days I get so tired of running around from 3 different schools to drop off my kids, pick up them up, go for therapy seasons for Ryan, that I think are a major waste of time (a whole different topic)and anything else that may need to be done. I set the trip odometer on Friday and I put over 100 miles just going to schools and practices. I TRY to be there for everyone but it is hard and then not to be appreciated really sucks. I am a good mother regardless of what some might think, I try to make the right decisions for my children...a reasonable person would know that parenting is hard. I most certainly do not allow my children to run wild and do not even think that I do because you are wrong. The rope that I have around my family is tight and I am trying to allow them to grow up and still be involved...I do not want them to have freedom one day and not know how to handle themselves. I do expect them to make mistakes because that is how they are going to learn. I am tired of having a child who has such fits that it is tiring for me just to watch and listen. Some days I just think that I am going to walk out that front door and never come back. He may only be 4 years old but he is abusive, why would I want to be hit, kicked or screamed at all day long. Do not think for one minute that it does not hurt because it hurts both physically and emotionally...yes, he is only 4 years old but he has one hell of a punch...what happens when he is a teenager or adult. can raise a child with love and acceptance and YES they do have problems. There is only so much that a person can take. Please remember that this is my blog and if I want to bitch and complain I will. If you do not like what I write about then do not read it. This is my blog and I will use it as I please. I am tired of everything being so expensive that we need to watch EVERYTHING that we spend and just cannot let down our guard. We have such a large family that going out to dinner just does not happen anymore, not that it is bad to eat at home, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone wait on me for a while and then clean up without complaining that they do not want to help. I know that it is not as simple as "just love me or leave me" but please try. I am tired of how expensive it is for my children to play sports. Yes, I know that Kenzie needs to try turf shoes because she is having problems however I need to wait until next week to have the extra money. Yes, maybe that one DOES make me a bad parent...who the hell knows. I am tired of having an extended family that is so disfunctional that we cannot even talk anymore because you NEVER know how the conversation will end. I know that having siblings does not always mean that they will be a part of your life and that is fine but keep your distance. I know that you can drive down the street and not stare at my house, respect our privacy. I know that people are racist but come on our children are 4 years old...teach your children that skin color does not matter. We have taught our children. That said, I would not change the things that I do for my family. I would just wish that things were not so tough. I know that I am not perfect but I try to respect people and I am learning not to pass judgement on others. I know that raising a special needs child takes everything out of me on some days and other days are very rewarding. I know that my children can be kidnapped, abused physically and sexually, I know that in one second our entire life can change for the worst. I know that I have a wonderful husband, awesome children, parents, a sister, aunts, uncles, sister and brother-in-laws, nieces, nephews, grandparents, and longtime friends that love me and would always be there if needed. I know that life is what I make of it and I can continue to complain or just go lift up my mood and go forward. I know that I am a lucky mom who gets to stay home with her children and there are many moms that would love to be in my position. I know that there are many people financially struggling and it is not just us. I know that life hands you a bowlful of cherries and what we decide to do with them is up to you...I would like to make a cherry pie with mine. Now that I have that off my chest I feel much better. To the people that really matter...thank you for listening and not passing judgement on my bitch fit!!!!!


Anonymous said...

Whoa there....was it something I said???

Aunt Deb said...

Just checked into your blog...sorry you are (were) feeling icky...been down that lane a few times myself and I did not have 1/2 the challenges you face daily. Dee you are a great mom and don't let anyone sway you in the way you raise your kids. Perhaps you and Corey could leave the big kids in charge just for an evening and escape for a quiet dinner or just need a small distraction from the mundane my dear. It WILL get better and the smiles and laughter will make up for the pain.
I Love you much
Aunt Deb
PS I would like to go to a game sometime...either of the girls sports would be great...could you send me their schedules on my e-mail. Thanks Honey